Negative actions, attitudes, beings, or entities of any kind,  are not worth the expenditure of my energy, feelings, time, emotions, or thought. My universe is an infinite world of possibilities overflowing with positive energy. It is now, and shall for ever more be, cleansed and free of all things negative. I deserve more, I demand more, and I am more! Negative entities, beings, and/or feelings are here by banished! Negativity only has power and control over me if I allow it. I take back my power! I take back my life! I  take back my serenity! I live in a world of  love, kindness, compassion, empathy, strength, integrity, light, and illumination .

Anyone that can not respect, understand, embrace, sympathize, perceive, revel, and accept my right to live and experience my journey through and on this life path, is behaving negatively, judgmentally, and most likely very unhappily. I am truly sorry for your self-absorption and lack of  perception and awareness. And your total inability to form an empathetic human attachment.  My soul truly, mournfully weeps and suffers for the sadness and emptiness of yours. I grieve for the loss of the "we" and "us" that could have been a beautiful, fulfilling, deeply connected kinship.

I can no  longer afford the severe damage and pain caused by the attacks of any form of hate, selfishness, greed or negativity. I reject all the dark, draining, savage, angry, heavy feelings of entrapment and hopelessness.  I open my mind and soul and welcomely allow the rejuvenating energy of pure goodness from  my universe to bombard me.  The bright and shimmering love and strength filled golden auras drench my mind, body, and soul. The indestructible powerful glimmering shroud of all things pure and genuine engulfs me in pure love and compassionate positivity. My soul and being that felt so utterly and completely empty, totally ineffective and devastated, now is once again filled beyond capacity.  I am now whole and sufficiently at peace. I am also gently and lovingly reminded that I am never, never truly alone. And that I and each one of us is always unconditionally loved.

Different Day, Same Crap!

I love my husband dearly but he is driving me crazy!  Granted it is a short trip that I do not need help in making!  I live in the state of Confusion surrounded by the murky waters of the Sea of Agitation! He  never listens to me and then wonders why I am irritated and agitated. Am I being too picky, too sensitive?  Yes probably on some levels. I just want to be listened to sometimes. Honey you are so good to me in so many ways. I really hate when I am being snarky. I am the mayor of  Snarkberg, the little village that is quickly building and thriving on the shores of the Sea of Agitation! I think I will plan out my little world and maybe that will keep me occupied enough not to take things out on you!

So my little world is born! The little hamlet of  Snarkberg has it's beginnings on the banks of Agitation Sea, in the county of Irritation, in the state of Confusion.  What other little villages may spring up? What new states? What shall be the name of this new developing world. This world born of my emotional states and feelings? I feel a bit like Frankenstein at the moment.  "It's Alive!!!"  Something has taken root in my disturbed rambling imagination. And honey, it's all  for you and your welfare. It may save your hide!  I say that lovingly of course.  Chaos,... Shall that be the name of our  founding country? Or the name of the world we have created. Yes, I think world. We seem to be surviving in some sort of swirling, rotating mass of chaos, so that fits. I now claim all rights and ownership to the World and Concept of PLANET CHAOS!!!! I reserve all rights and ownership of any and all territories, life forms, and or properties in relationship, connection with, or ideas spawned by the birth of this World and beyond!  HA!  I AM RULER AND MATRIARCH!  It has begun with this!  

OK, tired, tired, tired.  I am so frustrated with being expected to run YOU! where ever YOU! think YOU! need to go.  I! know I! sound selfish but too bad. I! am on disability and I! do not like it. But I! have had to file and use disability for a reason. After one  car wreck too many (source for another blog posting), I! can no longer stay on my feet for any length of time or sit in any position for too long. My back, neck, and shoulder were damaged and I! am on pain meds and muscle relaxants.  I! also have degenerative disc disease, arthritis, fibromyalgia  and some other disease  that is narrowing the openings in my vertebrae causing pressure on the nerves coming out of those openings. I! am in a considerable amount of pain that fluctuates from day to day depending what I! have done. I! am not available to jump and run just because YOU! thinks I! should hall YOU! somewhere or do what YOU! want. YOU! think MY! time should be used to take YOU! because I! am home and doing nothing and MY! car is sitting there going nowhere.

I! have a right to take care of myself  and owe YOU! nothing! I! have the right to say no, and I! don't care how mad it makes YOU!. MY! day does not revolve around whether I! will hurt YOUR! feelings because I! said no about running YOU! to look for another job. I! didn't cause YOU! to lose YOUR! last job. YOU! chose not to go to work. Again! YOU! Chose to buy and car, not insure it and then drive all over town. YOU! chose to not go get license plates for it. YOU! got pulled over for that. YOU! got the car impounded and taken away and got issued several tickets and had to go to court. YOU! did that more than once. Next to the word stupid in the dictionary, there should be a picture of YOU!. YOU! have to live with the consequences of  YOUR! choices.  I! didn't earn 10 days in jail for YOU!. I! didn't take YOUR! driver's license away from YOU! for 5 years. This very outcome was exactly what I! told YOU! would happen. I! didn't tell YOU! to keep having more children. YOU! chose to keep having them and now THEY! suffer for YOUR! choices. I! did not complicate YOUR! life, YOU! did.

I! am going to take care of myself. I! am not going to let YOU! make ME! feel guilty or bad for MY! choices. I! have worked hard all my adult life. I! have raised my children. And the children I! gave birth to and had control over from day one, are good, decent, hard working adults. I! will not be held hostage by YOUR! poor choices. I! am not the selfish one. YOU! are the selfish one.

YOU! now need to live with the consequences of  YOUR! choices.

Inconsistancy is My Middle Name

So!  I decide I am going to start blogging and then it slips my mind! Ha! What  mind?! There in lies the rub. I also am very self conscience my about my spelling and I should be. Writing is about expressing yourself and getting things out. It's about being creative and doing something fun. So if anyone is going to read my blog, I guess I should let you know if it is with the intention of being my personal spell checker, don't bother! I just want a place to express myself and some ideas I have. Also I worry about grammar. It's not like I am going to get paid for writing so why do I worry so much!!!

This is something I want to do for myself so I am going to do it. While I definitely welcome feedback and input from anyone who would like to supply that, and please I do welcome it, if you are strictly being judgmental, dot bother to leave anything. I do also welcome valid criticism. I would love experienced critiques of anything I write because improving my skills are also a goal of writing this.

I am sure this will be so boring that it would be very surprising to have anyone want to follow it. Anyone is welcome. I would imagine my thoughts will be rambling and disjointed and hard to follow.  Learning to write freely may help this and may help me to organize my thoughts  and set them to print in a more understandable way .  Who knows!  And who knows what I will write about. I have a few stories bouncing off the walls of my dented skull. And the would be fun to write and explore these story ideas and flesh them out to see where they go.

So! Enough for now and let the games begin!!!!!!!!!

Fear of Writing or Fear of Spelling?

WOW!!!! I have wanted to do this for a long time. I am very excited about this, starting this blog I mean. I have at many times in my life put pen to paper in an attempt to express anything, EVERYTHING! I could never start. Always this feeling of what is right and what is wrong haunting me tormenting me and telling me I was incapable and don't bother, it has eaten away at my desire to write, but no more. It has to be perfect. I have to be grammatically correct, not to mention spelling. This writing monster, those are some of the things he uses to control and paralyze me. No one did this to me but myself , I have always been my own worst most difficult critic. With a father that was an English major, I felt that I must spell everything correctly! Punctuate it correctly! The whole ball of wax. Not that he was a tyrant and roared with disapproval because we had messed up and did not meet his standards. No. Not in the least. We were quietly told to go get the dictionary and check our spelling. Then would come my protest of how can I look it up if I can't spell it? So then we were given the first three letters of the word and told to try again. So what do you do if spelling is the one thing you are the absolute worst at in your life? To start with, when you are old enough to buy dictionaries, you do! And soon you own more dictionaries than any other sane person on the planet. You also develop other coping skills. You think of words you can slip in that convey the same meaning. You reword entire sections if need be to accomplish this. Adapting in other ways helps make you develop other skills actually. I am not quite so phobic about it as I used to be. Yes, PHOBIC!!! It's my blog I will write the way I want. Back on subject now, phobic is not an understatement. I literally will not write something if I can help it and will get out of it anyway I can because of my feeling about misspellings things. I however have lightened up on it tremendously when I realized my brother, (Love you Larry!) who has more degrees than all of my family put together, spells worse than I do!!! My father had a masters and bachelors degrees to begin with. Who knows what other degrees he had, I am not quite sure. The other brother I don't know how many he has or what they are all in. I just know he has at least one from University of Arkansas. (Go Razorbacks!) To get back to Larry, he has degrees from Purdue University in Indiana and MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). In what areas, once again not quite sure. I do know they have to do within the field of inginering and nuclear power development and design. Maybe my next blog will be on that subject. what degrees does everyone hold? He spent a lot of years going to school and learning and working very hard. He is worse a spelling than I am! Ha! Sorry I know I already said that but I thunk it is funny? Just hilarious. So I don't feel so bad about not being able to spell. Thank you big brother! :-)I had a professor tell me spelling actually comes from a different section of your brain and it isn't a matter of being lazy or anything like that when it comes to trying to spell. So what has this entire blog been about??? I DON'T KNOW! I don't care! I am actually writing after all these years of wanting to. No organization, no outline, no concept. None of the things you are supposed to pay attention to and do when you write, maybe this is my starting point to beginning to write.My getting my feet wet so to speak. It doesn't have to impress anyone else. It is just for me. And I am so excited about this. And THAT is enough for now! My bemused and simple life calls at present, bye bye!